Thankfulness

After a stressful weekend of deciding whether I should celebrate Thanksgiving, or any other holidays, (I've recently found out that most holidays originated from Pagan traditions. However, searching throughout Google, I have come to the conclusion that if we aren't thinking about that aspect, then who cares? Our culture has changed so much that why should that even matter? It's like not getting treatment from a doctor because doctors did very little so long ago...anyway, that issue is for another day.) I have decided to celebrate Thanksgiving. But I have an issue.

I've recently discovered that I'm not truly thankful. Really, I'm not. I just go through every day with everything happening and it feels like I'm self-centered. Me me me me me. I want to do what I want and I'm thankful for what I have received. Yay!

It's almost like indirectly praying. I haven't felt that I've been actually praying to God lately. It feels like I've been praying indirectly to God. Like "Thank you God for helping ME on this test. Thank you for ME being able to do this" Me. Me. Me. And I'm tired of it.

It also seems that Thanksgiving has become a time of not so much being thankful, but a celebration of seeing who can shove the most food in your mouth. I guess I'm being cynical. But it just feels like this to me.

And, I want to be thankful and grateful all year around. Not just for three months out of the year. And I want to be truly thankful. I think that thankfulness involves being so grateful that joy just oozes out of you! And that has not been how I've been feeling. So I've decided to restart a gratitude journal (You can see how well I finish what I start ;-)) Every day, even if I don't feel it, I will write what I should be thankful for. And hopefully I can be grateful. Grateful that God loves me. Grateful for my wonderful home and community. Grateful for my health, my life, and friends.

Discipline

I've realized the consequences of staring at the glowing rectangle. Staying up late isn't my thing when I've been goofing off all day. However, I've realized the root of this problem. I don't have many activities after my day. I was forced to not do much because of an ever increasing course load, but still, I need something to do. Mostly, I need discipline. And by the way, I failed my plan. I have used the internet, but have been using it in small intervals and haven't been on it too long. Oh well, what's that stupid excuse of mine supposed to do? If I plan to stop using the internet during the week, it should mean to STOP using it once and for all.

 I. Need. Discipline. Now. I wonder why I'm still like this. Still the miserable failure, except that I can't pull off a pity party anymore. I've failed at attempting not to use the internet so many times that I can't feel bad for what I've done. And after reading several books in the Old Testament talking about God's people turning away from Him and God sending His wrath as a response. I guess I'll never learn. Only if I had something else; something other than nothing or a short activity would be a possible solution. But that cannot be the case. I still have to trust Him, no matter how many times I fail. (And I've failed SO MANY TMES!) But isn't that disrespectful to God? "Dear God, please forgive me for using the internet for the umpteenth time" and then the next day I go back on the internet for x amount of time because of a lack of self control. It's really because of my lack of faith, I believe. The lack of faith that I will be able to restrain myself. The lack of trust in God. The lack of my mind constantly thinking about the consequences. See, when I start to use the internet, my mind shuts off its talking to myself mechanism and I begin to listen to myself. My desires. My wants. My needs. These are all supposed to be God's needs. Not mine.

On Sunday, I read something about talking to myself rather than listening to myself. I forgot who it was, but he had written a book, and had talked about the main reason for unhappiness had been because so many times we listen to ourselves rather than talk to ourselves. We yell at ourselves for the terrible things we have done. We listen to ourselves in how entrenched we are in self pity. We listen to ourselves as our impulses and act upon them. Only if we could talk to ourselves, maybe we could stay away from sin. "How would Jesus feel if I did this?" "Wait, Jesus loves me. Why would I want to do something like that?" "Jesus died for me. He loved me so much that he surrendered Himself. He was God in the flesh who let Himself be killed for all mankind. Why am I doing this again?" "Jesus loves me. That means that if I trust Him and give my life to Him that I'm a new creation. I am dearly loved and a part of his Kingdom. I will not engage in self pity." At first, I didn't think very much of it, until the next day when I realized how many times I listen to myself rather than talk to myself. I will change now. I will talk to myself rather than listen. I will discipline myself about the internet. Any work needed to be done online or on the computer will be the only work done until all work is completed. I'm not standing for apathetic sinning and frequent forgiveness followed by no repentance. I do want to change.

The Internet

I love the internet. I love how it gets us into an interconnected community able to share ideas. We can learn about each other on the internet. We can pray for people halfway across the globe. We can follow blogs and be introduced to many different types of families. We can keep in touch with our favorite artists...(well, that could also be a bad thing if someone's a stalker)

I also dislike the internet. It's highly addictive. We can intend to work for school or vocation, and find ourselves updating our Facebook status or watching YouTube videos, delaying our time until completion by minutes to hours. The internet is a source of procrastination. It is a tool that can take us away from normal conversation into isolated, nonverbal people. The internet can delay focus, stop our daily routines, and take over our lives. The internet can easily become our idol. We can be on the internet all day and night long, possibly. 

I'd like to present a challenge. I'm one of those "internet surfers" who end up trying to do work and ends up getting sidetracked at the push of the power button. I propose a plan to stop relying so much on these rectangles and say "yes" to more contact with friends and family. I propose a plan to decrease procrastination of the internet so all work can get done in a timely fashion. I propose a plan to only use the internet for leisure, and if this holds true, it will be for an hour a day. I propose a plan to not use the internet during the work week, only the weekend as a way to get rid of the addictive idol. I propose a plan not to do any internet surfing, and if surfing must be done, it will only be done in minimal amounts.

The point that I'm getting at here is that I'm tired of the internet controlling my life. I've tried plans before, but have always fallen. It takes 21 days to break a habit. Starting tomorrow until December 5, I will use all of these tactics to stop relying so much on the internet. I'll get rid of the rectangle controlling my mind everywhere I go. I will stop the search overload and telling everyone about what I've found. I will not use the internet until all of my work is done and it is a weekend. No exceptions. In all of the other times that I've failed, it has been because I've let something slide like "It's the weekend...I have all day to do this" and then I'm online for hours. Enough is enough. I've decided to let go of the rectangle controlling me. 

I'd like to reiterate that the internet can be used for good things. It has been used to tell of persecution in different countries as a way for people to help and has also been used in getting someone to stop committing suicide. However, the internet becomes our worst nightmare when we rely on it for everything we have and we let it control our minds. I want to change. I want to clear my mind of search overload syndrome and renew it with my relationship with God and all of the beautiful things that there is. I'm tired of staring at a glowing screen and typing on black keys. I will stop. I want to change. I'm done with using the internet too much and then shaming myself for it. I'm done with praying and asking forgiveness and doing the same. exact. sin. the next day. I won't have it. I want to have an actual relationship with God that is me obeying because I love Him and not out of fear. I want to feel free with joy abounding in me and to love one another with everything I have. I want to become more patient and more kind. I want to manage my time much better than I have been doing now. I want to be able to read and study; then come out of that reading saying "I understood the material". 

I'm guessing that stating how tired I am of all of my consequences of using the internet as my idol is what starts change. It's like how most people won't lose weight effectively until they choose to lose it. That's how God works. And I think that's amazing. He doesn't force us to do anything because He wants us to do things out of our love for him. And that's why we have a choice. Therefore, if anyone who wants to rid themselves of an internet addiction, I'd suggest that you'd check yourself to see how much you really want to do it. I don't mean to sound arrogant, and maybe it's good to let go of the internet and fail a few times until you have reached a final decision. I just don't want you to fail and then feel as if nothing else would work; that's how I've been feeling this past week. However, I've grown tired of all of this madness surrounding my ever present obsession with the glowing rectangle. 

Here's how it will work: 

-No using the internet during the week

-All homework must be done before using the internet on the weekends

-Internet usage is restricted to 1-2 hours

Or am I being too strict? Is this why I've failed before? Am I putting too many unrealistic restrictions for myself and this has been why I have failed? Maybe. Possibly. Maybe it shall be modified. 

-Internet usage may be only used 30min./day and can be only used when all homework is done

-Weekends permit 2 hours max. of the internet, only to be used when all homework is done

There. I think I have it. And I hope that if you're reading this and you would like to also have this journey of releasing yourself of the controlling internet on your life that you are successful too. 

I apologize that this is so long! I didn't mean for it to go on for this long!

Anniversary

Today marks the day that 2 years ago I found out about Jason Gray. I only know this because of what I was doing that day and I decided to look back and saw the date. Well, that date changed my life. I found out about him by accident; somehow I became interested in stuttering (Medicine geek here) and searched Youtube videos about it. Somehow, I came across a video of Jason talking and became interesting and clicked on it. That click started it all. I believe that God did that. If He hadn't, I don't know where I'd be at all. An interest in a speech handicap somehow made me a fan of a gifted singer. His lyrics are very transparent and aren't afraid to convict, as well as hopeful and powerful. In addition, because of his stutter, he is able to reach deep places in people's lives, he says. He also states that he is more compassionate and accepting of others. I'd suggest that everyone listen to him because he has been a huge inspiration for almost everyone I have introduced him to. His testimony is amazing and his talks about weakness and brokenness to his audience is stunning. He is being used greatly by God in many ways to preach to everyone about weakness, confession, and identity. I have learned from him in what God tries to tell us all that His strength is perfected in our weakness and that it's okay good to be broken.Being broken displays surrender to the Lord in what he wants to do through you. When that happens, the Lord is able to do wonderful and extraordinary things through you, as he did with Jason Gray. I got to meet him once, but ended up being terribly shy and barely saying a word. However, he is very generous, kind, and gracious. He's so humble that I had given him a letter and he had thought that it was for him to autograph.  I'm only making this posting this so that anyone who may read it can be able to listen to his music and find the breathtaking wonders that I have already assessed. In fact, here are some links right now:

Remind Me Who I Am: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSIVjjY8Ou8&feature=relmfu
Talk about Weakness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe16AKkQPa0