Discipline

I've realized the consequences of staring at the glowing rectangle. Staying up late isn't my thing when I've been goofing off all day. However, I've realized the root of this problem. I don't have many activities after my day. I was forced to not do much because of an ever increasing course load, but still, I need something to do. Mostly, I need discipline. And by the way, I failed my plan. I have used the internet, but have been using it in small intervals and haven't been on it too long. Oh well, what's that stupid excuse of mine supposed to do? If I plan to stop using the internet during the week, it should mean to STOP using it once and for all.

 I. Need. Discipline. Now. I wonder why I'm still like this. Still the miserable failure, except that I can't pull off a pity party anymore. I've failed at attempting not to use the internet so many times that I can't feel bad for what I've done. And after reading several books in the Old Testament talking about God's people turning away from Him and God sending His wrath as a response. I guess I'll never learn. Only if I had something else; something other than nothing or a short activity would be a possible solution. But that cannot be the case. I still have to trust Him, no matter how many times I fail. (And I've failed SO MANY TMES!) But isn't that disrespectful to God? "Dear God, please forgive me for using the internet for the umpteenth time" and then the next day I go back on the internet for x amount of time because of a lack of self control. It's really because of my lack of faith, I believe. The lack of faith that I will be able to restrain myself. The lack of trust in God. The lack of my mind constantly thinking about the consequences. See, when I start to use the internet, my mind shuts off its talking to myself mechanism and I begin to listen to myself. My desires. My wants. My needs. These are all supposed to be God's needs. Not mine.

On Sunday, I read something about talking to myself rather than listening to myself. I forgot who it was, but he had written a book, and had talked about the main reason for unhappiness had been because so many times we listen to ourselves rather than talk to ourselves. We yell at ourselves for the terrible things we have done. We listen to ourselves in how entrenched we are in self pity. We listen to ourselves as our impulses and act upon them. Only if we could talk to ourselves, maybe we could stay away from sin. "How would Jesus feel if I did this?" "Wait, Jesus loves me. Why would I want to do something like that?" "Jesus died for me. He loved me so much that he surrendered Himself. He was God in the flesh who let Himself be killed for all mankind. Why am I doing this again?" "Jesus loves me. That means that if I trust Him and give my life to Him that I'm a new creation. I am dearly loved and a part of his Kingdom. I will not engage in self pity." At first, I didn't think very much of it, until the next day when I realized how many times I listen to myself rather than talk to myself. I will change now. I will talk to myself rather than listen. I will discipline myself about the internet. Any work needed to be done online or on the computer will be the only work done until all work is completed. I'm not standing for apathetic sinning and frequent forgiveness followed by no repentance. I do want to change.